Are we helping children — or accidentally holding them back?
As therapists, educators, and parents, we naturally want to make life easier for the children in our care. We step in quickly. We smooth the path. We solve the problem. We prevent frustration.
It feels loving.
It feels protective.
It feels helpful.
But here’s the quiet truth from developmental psychology and neuroscience:
Executive functioning does not grow in comfort.
It grows through manageable struggle.
When children never have to plan, wait, problem-solve, make mistakes, or recover from challenges, their brains don’t get the practice needed to develop the very skills they will rely on for life.
Let’s unpack what this means — and how we can support children in ways that build true independence, resilience, and emotional strength.
What Executive Function Actually Is (And Why It Matters)
Executive functioning refers to a set of brain-based skills that allow us to:
• Plan and organize
• Manage time
• Regulate emotions
• Control impulses
• Problem-solve
• Persist through challenges
• Shift thinking
• Recover from mistakes
These skills are largely governed by the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain that continues developing well into early adulthood.
Executive functioning is not taught through lectures.
It is built through lived experience.
Every time a child has to:
• Wait their turn
• Try again
• Figure something out
• Manage disappointment
• Adjust a plan
…the brain is wiring and strengthening executive pathways.
Without those experiences, the brain simply doesn’t get the repetitions it needs.
The Neuroscience of “Desirable Difficulty”
Research in cognitive science and neuropsychology consistently supports the concept of “desirable difficulty.”
This means that moderate, manageable challenges strengthen learning and brain development.
When tasks are slightly difficult — but achievable with support — the brain:
• Activates problem-solving networks
• Strengthens memory and retention
• Builds cognitive flexibility
• Increases frustration tolerance
• Develops persistence
In contrast, when everything is done for a child:
• The brain stays in passive mode
• Problem-solving pathways are underused
• Frustration tolerance remains low
• Dependence increases
• Confidence decreases
Struggle, when supported safely, builds competence.
The Hidden Cost of Doing Everything for Children
Many of us step in quickly because we care deeply. We want children to feel happy, successful, and calm.
But when adults consistently:
• Solve problems immediately
• Prevent all discomfort
• Complete tasks for children
• Remove all obstacles
• Over-accommodate
• Over-direct
…it can unintentionally send the message:
“You can’t handle this.”
“I don’t believe you can do this.”
“I will do this for you.”
Over time, children may:
• Avoid challenges
• Become easily overwhelmed
• Seek constant reassurance
• Struggle with independence
• Develop low frustration tolerance
• Fear making mistakes
Independence is built through doing — not through having everything done for you.
Support vs. Rescue: The Critical Difference
Trauma-informed and developmentally appropriate practice does not mean removing all struggle.
It means providing co-regulated, supportive struggle.
Support says:
“I’m here with you while you try.”
Rescue says:
“I’ll do it for you.”
Support builds skills.
Rescue builds dependence.
The goal is not to overwhelm children with stress.
The goal is to provide manageable challenge with emotional safety.
Why Struggle Builds Confidence
Confidence does not come from constant success.
It comes from overcoming difficulty.
When children:
• Try something hard
• Make mistakes
• Adjust their approach
• Experience effort leading to progress
…the brain encodes a powerful message:
“I can do hard things.”
This builds self-efficacy — a key predictor of long-term resilience and emotional well-being.
Without opportunities to struggle and recover, children may never develop that internal belief.
Trauma-Informed Considerations
It’s important to say this gently and clearly:
Not all struggle is helpful.
Children who have experienced trauma or chronic stress may already live in a heightened state of challenge. For these children, the approach must be carefully balanced.
Trauma-informed support includes:
• Emotional safety first
• Predictable routines
• Co-regulation
• Clear expectations
• Gentle scaffolding
• Gradual release of responsibility
The goal is not to remove all challenge.
The goal is to provide safe, supported opportunities to build competence.
Get the Tea with Angie: What Actually Works
Let’s pause here for a moment.
If you’ve ever stepped in quickly to help a child, you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re responding from care, empathy, and love.
But over the years, I’ve noticed something powerful:
Children don’t build confidence when everything is easy.
They build confidence when they discover they can handle something hard.
The most capable, resilient students I’ve worked with were not the ones whose paths were always smooth. They were the ones who had safe adults beside them saying:
“I won’t leave you alone in this — but I won’t do it for you either.”
That balance changes everything.
Angie’s Top 10 Practical Ways to Support Without Over-Rescuing
- Pause before stepping in – Give children a few extra moments to attempt problem-solving before offering help.
- Use supportive language – Try: “What could you try next?” instead of immediately fixing the problem.
- Normalize mistakes – Remind children that mistakes are part of learning, not something to avoid.
- Offer scaffolding, not solutions – Break tasks into steps instead of completing them for the child.
- Allow natural consequences when safe – Forgetting homework once can build planning skills for next time.
- Model calm problem-solving – Children learn executive function by watching adults regulate and think through challenges.
- Celebrate effort, not just success – Highlight persistence, problem-solving, and flexibility.
- Resist perfectionism – Allow work to be “good enough” rather than stepping in to make it perfect.
- Build waiting tolerance – Small moments of waiting strengthen impulse control and emotional regulation.
- Stay emotionally available – Supportive presence matters more than removing difficulty.
Bringing It All Together
Comfort feels good in the moment.
Support builds strength for the future.
When children are given opportunities to:
• Try
• Struggle
• Adjust
• Persist
• Recover
…their brains build the executive functioning skills they will rely on for life.
Independence doesn’t come from everything being done for them.
It comes from discovering they can do hard things — with support nearby.
And that is one of the greatest gifts we can offer any child.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it harmful to help children too much?
Consistently removing all difficulty can limit opportunities for executive function development. Supportive guidance is more beneficial than doing tasks for children.
How do I know when to step in?
If a child is overwhelmed or dysregulated, co-regulate first. Once calm, guide rather than rescue.
What if a child becomes frustrated easily?
Frustration tolerance develops through practice. Start with small, manageable challenges and build gradually.
Can this approach be used in therapy and classrooms?
Yes. This approach supports executive functioning, emotional regulation, and long-term independence across home, school, and therapeutic settings.
You’re not stepping back from children when you allow them to struggle safely.
You’re stepping beside them —
and helping them grow.
