There is a quiet truth many experienced school counselors, therapists, and educators come to understand over time:
The students who get in trouble the most are often the ones who feel the least safe.
Not safe physically — but emotionally, relationally, and internally.
And while their behavior may appear oppositional, defiant, disruptive, or attention-seeking on the surface, it is often rooted in something far more complex: overwhelm, anxiety, shame, or a nervous system that rarely feels settled.
This is not always easy to see in the moment. Especially in busy classrooms, when behaviors escalate quickly and responses must be immediate. But when we pause and look beneath repeated behavior patterns, a different picture often begins to emerge.
Looking Beyond the Behavior
In many schools, the students who receive the most corrections, consequences, or office referrals are also the ones who:
• Struggle to regulate emotions
• React quickly and intensely
• Have difficulty trusting adults
• Expect rejection or criticism
• Find transitions challenging
• Experience frequent feelings of failure
• Carry a strong sense of shame
Their behavior may be loud, visible, and disruptive — which means it is often addressed quickly and consistently. But what sits underneath is often a nervous system that feels constantly on edge.
When a child feels unsafe internally, even neutral situations can feel threatening. A correction can feel like rejection. A small mistake can feel like failure. A raised voice can feel overwhelming. Over time, these experiences can create patterns of protection — behaviors designed to avoid embarrassment, maintain control, or release emotional pressure.
From the outside, this may look like defiance.
From the inside, it often feels like survival.
The Nervous System Behind the Behavior
Children who frequently “get in trouble” are often operating from a state of heightened stress. Their nervous systems may be moving quickly into fight, flight, or shutdown responses long before adults recognize what is happening.
This might look like:
• Immediate defensiveness when corrected
• Walking out of class or refusing tasks
• Talking back or escalating quickly
• Shutting down or disengaging
• Seeking attention in disruptive ways
• Difficulty returning to calm once upset
These responses are rarely calculated choices. More often, they are automatic protective reactions.
When we begin to view behavior through a nervous system lens rather than a compliance lens, our responses naturally begin to shift. Instead of asking,
“Why are they behaving like this?”
we begin asking,
“What might this child be feeling right now?”
That question alone can change everything.
The Weight of Repeated Correction
Many students who struggle with regulation experience repeated correction throughout the day. Even when delivered calmly and professionally, frequent correction can accumulate into a powerful internal narrative:
“I’m always in trouble.”
“Teachers don’t like me.”
“I can’t get this right.”
“Everyone is watching me.”
Over time, this can create a self-protective cycle. If a student expects to be corrected, they may become hyper-alert to perceived criticism. If they believe they will fail, they may stop trying. If they feel embarrassed easily, they may react quickly to regain a sense of control.
The behavior we see is often only the visible tip of a much deeper emotional experience.
Safety Before Strategy
One of the most important shifts experienced therapists and trauma-informed educators make is understanding that regulation and safety must come before correction and strategy.
When a child feels safe, they are more able to:
• Listen
• Reflect
• Repair
• Learn new skills
• Accept guidance
• Reconnect after mistakes
When a child feels unsafe or ashamed, even the most well-intentioned strategies may not land.
Safety does not mean removing expectations or boundaries. It means delivering them within relationships that feel predictable, respectful, and emotionally secure. It means noticing when a student needs connection before correction, regulation before reasoning.
Often, the students who appear to need the firmest boundaries are also the ones who most need consistent emotional safety.
What Safety Can Look Like in Practice
Creating safety for students who frequently get in trouble does not require grand gestures. It often emerges through small, consistent actions over time.
This may include:
• Greeting the student warmly each day, regardless of yesterday
• Noticing effort, not just mistakes
• Offering calm check-ins before escalation
• Providing predictable responses rather than emotional reactions
• Allowing space to reset without shame
• Separating the child from the behavior
• Communicating belief in their capacity to succeed
These moments may seem small, but for a child who expects correction or rejection, they can be profoundly regulating.
Many experienced educators notice that when safety increases, behavior often begins to soften. Not immediately, and not perfectly — but gradually. The student who once reacted instantly may pause. The student who shut down may re-engage. The student who expected punishment may begin to trust repair.
A Shift in Perspective
This perspective does not ignore the impact of challenging behavior on classrooms or teachers. Supporting students who struggle with regulation can be exhausting and complex. Boundaries and accountability remain important.
But when we hold both truth and compassion — when we recognize that behavior communicates need as well as choice — we create space for more effective, humane responses.
Some of the most significant progress we see in students occurs not when consequences become harsher, but when relationships become safer.
Final Reflection
The students who get in trouble the most are often carrying the heaviest emotional load. They may not know how to ask for support in ways that feel acceptable. They may not yet have the skills to regulate what they feel. They may expect rejection long before it arrives.
When we respond with consistent safety alongside clear boundaries, something powerful begins to shift. Trust grows slowly. Regulation becomes more possible. And over time, the student who once felt defined by mistakes may begin to experience something different: the sense that they are seen, supported, and capable of change.
Sometimes the most impactful question we can quietly ask ourselves is not
“How do we stop this behavior?”
but
“How safe does this child feel right now?”
Because very often, the students who need the most correction are also the ones who need the most safety.
